think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
