i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
