there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
