I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
