He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize