Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
