grandma shit on top of the toilet
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
