She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
