I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
