You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
