i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
