You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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