ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
