Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
