your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
