I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
