so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
