You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
