apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
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i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
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Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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