so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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