Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
