I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
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we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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