I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
