I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
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I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
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I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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