there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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