How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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