i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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