now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
