Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
