Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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