Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
