Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
