just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
