She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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