someone get that fucking seahorse.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
