when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
