If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
and she was petting her beer can
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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