watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
