a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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