You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
