I'm sorry my penis didn't work
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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