Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
