Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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