When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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