Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
