I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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