She announced her abortion via fbk
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
