new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
