Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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