Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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