you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
