i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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